How often have you found yourself thinking, ‘Is my Wife a Zombie?’
Don’t panic, the chances are your loved one is not a zombie. These creatures, which raise themselves from the undead, are uncommon. However, given how disruptive a freshly un-interred woman can be in the home, we recommend you use this book to apply our 22 simple observation tests and note any Early Signs.
If you find your wife is exhibiting a worrying number of early signs, where do you look for help?
Firstly, do not phone a help-line. This is exactly the kind of work zombies gravitate towards. Struggling to answer obvious questions, an inability to empathise or process simple requests without referring callers to a higher power are deficiencies that can go unnoticed in a call centre environment.
There is a strong likelihood that you will be reporting your fears to someone who is already a zombie and will identify you as a threat rather than someone they want to help.
They will probably become obstructive, defensive, and ask that you ‘keep hanging on the line for just a few seconds’. While you are waiting they will be racing with a hammer to the address they just insisted you gave them.
Their ‘security questions’ will have armed them with your birth date, mother’s maiden name, blood type and IQ, leaving you utterly at their mercy.
Other titles in the Early Signs Series:
- Is my Boyfriend a Martian?
- Is my Husband a Werewolf?
- Is my Cat an Alien?
- Is my Flatmate a Super-Villain?
- Is my Colleague an Android?